The trip to Havers

*the polished wood floor can’t take the monotonous pacing scuff of my boots, the shine dimming beneath the constant back and forth, my hope being chipped away with the slow motions, dulling like the wood sheen under the frustrated tension rolling off my body like ice water, clammy hands clenching, unclenching, entire body in motion while my heart stops dead in my chest and my soul is frozen over with fear. My eyes flick compulsively to the clock that ticks like a time bomb…tick tock tick tock...unhinging my sanity and driving me into the turbulent clouds of the past. How long since V and I had been left in this godforsaken room? The growls that rumble from my throat are part impatient terror, part the simple need to hear something other than that insidious ticking, arms wrapped in tight bands around my waist, as if I can physically hold myself together, can literally keep myself from crumbling, falling apart. Locking onto  V with tear-shimmering emeralds, desperation etched into a mask on my face, drawing a little strength from  as my pacing resumes*

Leaning against the wall, the steel toe of my shitkicker tap tap tapping, diamond eyes tracking Tory as she paces back and forth back and forth like watching a goddamned tennis match ...and fuck I could use a smoke right now... the heel of my gloved hand wearing a groove on my leathers...that fucking clock..tick tock tick tock..over three hundred years of fighting and  it comes down to this..my life hinges on what's about to go down in this sterile, anonymous, clinic room, on the words that come out of that asshole Havers' mouth..about to find out if I'm going to be a baby daddy... assuming of course the shitty odds went in your favor and your shellan and young actually survived the birthing process... um yeah..no fucking words on that one...and what if the news is bad...fuck! could I trust Havers to break it to her right? Peeling myself up from the wall, the expression of total fucking despair on Tory’s face breaking my fucking heart..growling} I'm going to find him..

*eyes shooting wide, the temperature dropping fast into freezing* You're leaving me alone? *my frozen heart thaws enough to skip a beat, the thought of being trapped, alone, in the room...with..the clock...worse than facing down a gang of lessers armed only with a nail file..but...if it will get the results quicker..better start sharpening my file* umm...Ok..

{Tangling my hands in your hair as I cup your cheeks, gaze locked on your wild, shimmering eyes} I'll be right back Tory..

*forcing the lump from my throat with a hard swallow, nuzzling into your hands and placing a trembling kiss on your palm my feet reluctantly carrying me away from the security of your presence, tears flowing as you leave me, seeking Havers*

{Oh God...please don't fucking cry Tory...scenting your tears as I stalk out to the office with Havers' name plaque on the door, intercepting the streak of fucking misery on the way out, clutching Tory’s file, looking all ready to do business.....fisting the lapels of his starched white coat, slamming him back into the wall, the file slipping from his trembling hands, highly polished loafers dangling in mid-air. Getting right up in the good doctor's grille, pinning him with a hard, icy stare, fangs bared on a growl..his pale eyes popping behind those preppy tortoiseshell glasses, the words gritted through clenched teeth} Doctor.. hate to offend your delicate fucking sensibilities, true..but that is MY shellan  out there in that room.{jerking my jaw to indicate the closed door} I don't give a fuck what's gone down between you two in the past. When you walk through that fucking door, whatever way the test results go..you will treat her better than you would your own blood. Do. You. Understand? Do you know just how close to fucking losing it I am here..I am peeled fucking raw. {watching as Havers' face turns a nasty shade of green, like he's about to eject his luncheon all over those pristine shoes} You hurt her, you offend her...you so much as look at her fucking sideways and I will take it out on your ass a thousand fold.. there won't be enough buckets of lysol in this shithole to clean up the mess. Are. We. Clear..Doctor?{spitting out the title like its venom, feeling the tremble in his weak body as his head nods furiously and his mouth starts to work} <<Yes..yes Sire..indeed..crystal clear...might I..please, Sire {adam's apple bobbing furiously in his throat} might I.. speak?>> {eyes narrowed to glaring slits as I set Havers back down on his feet and he smooths down the wrinkles in the starched white coat} <<Verily Sire..I believe I do understand...more than you might appreciate..{those pale eyes shimmering behind the thick lenses with an unexpected strength of character} I lost my Evangeline, MY shellan and our unborn son in childbirth..both gone unto the Fade...{his voice cracking as he bends down to retrieve the dropped medical file, adjusting his glasses and coat, putting his self-respect back together, slow and methodical, no sudden moves, like Havers knows he's face to face with a caged animal....Shit! ..only stunned silence on my part......Fuck! if that little revelation didn't take the wind out of my fucking sails and I'm the one threatening to hurl my lunch all over those shiny loafers..feeling like the air just got sucked from of the room, reality slammed home like a sucker punch in the gut.. I really do stand to lose.. everything..um..yeah no fucking words.... my inner string vibrating, eyes trained on the inocuous looking manila file in Havers' hands..my life..our lives.. hinged on the tests results inside it clearing my throat loudly, nodding curtly at Havers} Right..well...lets get in there and do this this thing, true...

*the door opening is like a crack in the foundations of my being, my emotions toppling and quaking, shaken from their posts by the enormity of what is about to go down...my soul..my life..our lives...my sanity...the results are pivotal to all of these and isn't that just ridiculous? Your whole life fighting, surviving and yet one Yoda green doctor and his file of tests could change the course of your life and send the momentum of your world careening wildly out of control. My eyes latch onto the file the minute he enters, noticing your presence only through the taut bond vibrating between our souls, the rage of your emotions so finely tuned into the beat of mine, we are extensions of our shared terror, and man but you're not looking so good yourself...do you already know? Is it that bad? Oh by the Dear Scribe Virgin, you know and that's why you look like death warmed over in a microwave....my heart breaking even before a very sickly looking Havers starts to speak...his words rote, but..emotion lies thinly veiled by his bland tone and medical jargon...like I want to know the hows and whys of the tests..fuck no!! Just tell me yes...fuck tell me no...just fucking tell me...mind quirking in confusion at his manner of speech..never before with the formality, always simply insulting, harsh, I never expected anything else...the clock runs its steady second tick routine, skipping with my heartbeat as I zone in on the end of his biology explanation, my body, my soul, petrified, flooding ice water through my veins as he starts in on the verbal path to hell...I reach for you, tremulous fingers clasping yours in a bone-crushing hold, knuckles death white and grinding bone in an anxious flex* <<I...there is no easy way to impart this news...I have done it many times and the implications of such results are...devastating...>> *my head does a spin and twirl routine, body following fast on its heels as my internal axis is disrupted, my balance thrown by the magnitude of grief that sweeps down to consume me*<<there is no easy way to explain the consequences of carrying young..risks to both the female and young are interminable and in some cases...*a breathed word* most...are fatal...but, you are strong...you have no medical problems besides your past-inflicted injuries, both tests came back positive. You can easily conceive and you are pregnant...congratulations>> *some time in his speech the floor had rushed up to meet me and my body had crumpled willingly onto its wooden support my knees giving out, sobs wracking my tense taut curves in tear drenched shudders, breath caught by the steel hand of soul wrenching relief and immeasurable happiness...gasping, crying...broken in the best possible way as the affirmation sounds a melody in my ears, fingers retaining their bone-powdering grip on you as my world narrows to us..the three of us*

{HOLY SHIT! All I heard was 'you are pregnant'...after that Havers' words trail off into a buzzing drone between my ears..the color drains out of my face, it's like I'm riding a high-speed elevator, stomach going up...blood rushing down, down, down into my shitkickers..stock-still, rooted, jaw slack..cold sweat beading on my skin, utterly motionless on the outside inside is another fucking story... that clock on the wall tick-tocking louder in my brain like someone's just set the timer ticking on the bomb...only the slight slackening of your bone-crushing death-grip and the dull thud as your knees hit the deck jerking me from the dazed shock...dropping to my knees...wild, wide eyes locked on your swimming emerald gaze gloved hand tentatively reaching to touch your lower belly, the corners of my mouth lifting into a deranged, fanged grin}  it's really true? Oh my God Tory...I fucking love you... {diamond tears stinging my eyes as I jerk your mouth onto mine  in a fierce, bruising, possessive kiss, tasting your tears on my tongue, the dark incense of my bonding scent flooding the room}

it's true...it's true...*murmuring, yielding to the hard fusion of our lips, not quite believing it myself, palm curling over the new life as I mold to the muscled wall of your body, Havers slowly backing out before your possession folds me in the aroma of your love, permeating my skin, burying deep into the heart of me...of us...as I cling in desperate tear salted kisses to the power of you, trusting you to hold me up as intermittent sobs snatch my breath and shatter my body* Oh fuck...it's really true...I'm carrying your young...I fucking love you...*watery smile* we love you...

{Fuck, the joy written all over your beautiful face thaws the icy dread of conflicted emotion that runs cold in my blood, knowing how much you needed this.... only now, for the first time seeing how much I need it too, arms banded around you in a cage of protection, voice cracking with emotion} Our young Tory...fuck...I love you....two... {smiling against your  lips, tears of joy streaking my hard warrior face as I will the DM door closed} I love you so very fucking much....