Dreams

*screaming in frustration, my hand slamming into the heavy concrete of the wall, making it run with tiny fractures, a shower of dust over my head and shoulders as my battle cry reverberates around the warehouse, shattering the empty bottles as my body fills with power, lighting me up with a violent emerald glow that flares from my eyes like alien fire* FUCK!!!!! *I let my fists hit the wall, sledgehammers against the sturdy concrete, shattering it, rocking the foundations. I always came here...my safe place...where I could yell and scream and fight and hurt and never let anyone know...never get anyone caught up in the maelstrom of fury and guilt...that violent feeling of dread that swallows me whole at the most inoppurtune moments...I would bleed...and I would like it. It was times like these I wished I had a twin...someone to punish me, someone to make the pain in my heart bleed from the pores of my skin, someone to talk to as I let myself go, safe in the knowledge that no matter how fucked up I was, what I needed, the angry fire of the fight, that they would still love me...my warehouse was my twin...it sheltered me, let me hurt myself, let me fight until I couldn't stand, couldn't breathe past the broken agony in my fists, my ribs, my legs...to fight was to hurt...so I fought...I fight...I hurt. The Old Language tumbles from my lips in pained curses as my knuckles break, fracture, my fingers crushed into my palm, the neverending pulse of violence driving into the concrete with the mess of my hands, sweat a damp blanket over my skin, muscles trembling, tight my skin taut over muscles quivering with the force of my hits, the concrete a crumbling wall under my need...I needed to stop...I couldn't*

'Scream for me Sehrenity...show your hellren how much you love him' *his voice was the puppet master of my nightmare, the answering roars of laughter as the lessers gathered to watch the macabre circus that started at those words, my screams the signal for the games to begin, the cruel whistling of the whip as it caressed my chest and stomach with its razor strands making my jaw lock in terrified silence, the screams he so desperately needed in my soul, voice choking on the pain, flaying me to the bone, ribs showing white through the delicate crimson tears in my ivory skin. The lessers bayed for more and I watch, trapped in the body of my weak aristocratic self, as he hands the whip to a newly made...newly made but his strokes were that of a master...I was a puppet again, caged by my memories, sleep my eternal tormentor...all I could do was observe in nauseous remembrance as I was torn apart...why couldn't I wake again?*

{Feeling the air temperature around you plummet, your strangled breaths frosty plumes as you jerk and struggle in the grip of my arms your skin chilled gooseflesh... Gripping you tighter, stroking your hair, whispering in your ear} wake up Tory...wake up...come back to me

*snarling, my fangs snapping inches from your jugular as I claw at your arms, fighting against invisible chains, your voice distorted by his, changing the soothing words to aggressive cruelty, arching away from you, legs kicking out 'til I slide over the edge of the bed, landing in a crouch, blade pulled from the sheath, eyes wild, growling viciously*

{Huffing a breath, falling back into the mattress as you take me off guard, your nails scoring long bloody lacerations into my arms...Fighting the instinct to defend myself as you kick out...instinct so deeply ingrained from centuries of battle that the sequence of moves to incapacitate you has already run through my brain...instead...I let you go...afraid of hurting you. Laying back on the bed, propped on my elbows...Diamond eyes transfixed by you...wild...possessed...emerald eyes glowing green fire... hair hanging in long tendrils around your face... blade glinting in the candlelight... lips curled in a feral snarl...I can't move...mesmerized, I murmur} Tory?...

*the haze, a wall of blood, defensive anger and a terror so pure it flares from my every pore...mind a tangled perception of past and present, blending the two into a canvas of confusion until your voice finally breaks through, the name a blatantly present reminder...no connection to him, only just catching it despite its repetition on your lips. Frowning, fighting my way back to you, shaking the dream torture with a violent shiver, words fragmented* warrior? I...are you ok?

{Watching intently as the warring emotions play out on your face...your hand gripping the dagger with white knuckles even as something seems to get through to you...pull you back to reality...to me. Slowly, slowly, I use the strength of my abs to sit up on the bed, arms extended to signify I mean no harm...I am unarmed...nodding slowly} I'm solid Tory...are you...ok? {my gaze divided between the dagger and your wild, blazing eyes, my voice a low, defeated whisper, eyes bright with moisture} Fuck, Tory...what did they do to you?

*tears spilling with my hot, angry breaths, rocking back on my heels, still coiled to attack despite the acknowledged gesture of peace, anchoring myself in the suspiciously bright diamond of your eyes, frantically clinging to my sanity, trying to pull myself back from the psychotic abyss that resulted in the death of my tormenters. I would not harm you...even as my eyes flash at the sight of your blood running in dark red rivulets across your arms, tentatively throwing your words back at you* I'm solid...*your question though...I wonder if you could handle the truth...falling back on my ass, knees pulled tight to my chest, chin resting on them, closing my eyes* you really want to know? *breath sawing in my chest as panic threatens, the thought of reliving it...but maybe with you...I could survive it*

{easing forward till my legs are hanging over the edge of the bed, dropping down on my knees in front of you...eyes level, fixed on your face...bloodied arms reaching out to tentatively touch the coiled defensive wall of your shins and arms...nodding slowly} you can tell me anything nalla {backs of my fingers gently stroking down your shins as I watch through black lashes, waiting for you to open your eyes}

*flinching slightly at the first light stroke against my bare skin, before the steady pattern becomes soothing, your touch a welcome hold on reality, opening my eyes carefully, your face fixed in a mask of concern that breaks my heart* I don't know where to start...

{fingers moving in long strokes...eventually reaching your fist... the one still clutching the dagger in a death-grip...peeling back your fingers as I whisper quietly} let go Tory... {exhaling a breath I hadn't realized I was holding as you let the weapon drop into my palm...eyes tracking back to yours} you want to talk about that dream? {Hiding my grimace as I recall the abject terror on your face}

*the muscles in my hand spasming as you pry my fingers from the hilt of the blade, flexing them* alright...*throat constricting around the words...your gaze a heated weight on my face, eyes flicking to yours and away, focusing on the pulse in your throat instead, unable to watch the disgust and possible hatred that will mar your features once you hear...that dream still a vivid slash across my brain* It was ten years into our mating...*swallowing* he had a party...with the lessers and my brother...I was the party favour...*rubbing my hands down my legs and over my arms, clammy skin slick with fear* I was...the game, the entertainment. I was strung up...moved from the bedroom where I spent my days hanging in chains, a living portrait that served his every whim...*eyes darting to yours, checking you're ok*

{Brow tight with concern...eyes steady on you, though inwardly my heart is aching to see how difficult this is for you...how MY Tory...my strong, fighting warrior female is reduced to a quaking wreck by the ghosts of a terrible past…ghosts I know too well from my own dreams, anger coiling in my gut as you describe what they did to you...treated worse than a fucking animal...a terrible dread knotting inside me, thoughts going into overdrive listing all the possibilities of their 'every whim', swallowing down my barely concealed anger, the bonded male in me a writhing, coiled beast just under the surface of my skin...Screaming out at the injustice... the pain...nodding slowly} Go on...

*slipping my hand over yours where it continues to stroke my shins, needing the physical connection to you to help me speak* so he re-hung me in the ballroom...right in the centre with the tables set around me...dinner was finished and he wanted to please his guests...took a whip...The strands embedded with sharp metal and glass fragments and sliced it across my back...'scream for me Sehrenity...show your hellren how much you love him' *choking on a sob as I recall the ripping of my skin, the sickening sound of tearing flesh, my answering scream*…it was how he started all his sessions...all his games...those words...never varied *curling my lip* and I screamed...every damn time as the whips or crop or curved, jagged blades sliced into my flesh, every bit of leather holding hidden razors designed to tear flesh to bone *stopping on a inhale, trying to formulate the rest of that day...only one day out of the century he had me*

{Sweet fucking Scribe Virgin!...Motherfucker!!!...fighting to control my breathing...biting down...hard on the back of my free hand...eyes blazing diamond...creased with pain...gripping the hand you placed on mine, tugging you into my lap, arms circling you in a tight protective embrace, burying my hand in your hair, kissing the top of your head, my voice deep and breaking} Oh God Tory...my Tory...So much suffering...

*shivering in your arms, the adrenaline a terrified buzz in my veins, continuing, voice slightly stronger, your body my haven* he worked his way over my back until there was nothing but a spider web of bone and blood, and jagged flaps of skin...then he let the lessers have a go...on my front...*face pressed tightly into the curve of your neck, lips murmuring* there were 20 of them...And then he bathed me in salt...his mark...so people would know I was his...*inhaling your scent, dragging it desperately into my lungs* no one ever stopped him...

{biting back the bile rising in my throat, my grip on you tightening, as much to ground myself as you, the bonding scent pulsing on my skin, a low growl in my chest as you speak of being 'his'... realization finally dawning as to why the scars never healed... the question I knew you weren't ready to answer... Until now. My heart swelling to bursting at your courage, your strength, trying to fathom how anyone could have lived through such a thing. Finally tilting your face to mine, forcing you to meet my gaze} You Tory. You stopped him, true?

*your growl a ferocious vibration in my body, pressed so tightly into you I no longer know where I start and you end, obeying the gentle insistent grip on my chin, meeting your eyes with a wide, glittering gaze, shimmering with pain, nodding with a tight motion* I did...and every fucker that ever touched me...but it took me 100 years to break free...that's 36,525 days of submission before he did something that tore my sanity and made me the broken, insane freak I am now...Where pleasure and pain are synonymous...where I am free...

{The pain in your eyes echoing what I feel inside...the venom in your voice mirroring my own anger...my hands stroking down your cheekbones eyes closing as I lean down to claim your lips in a tender kiss, needing the physical contact...The connection with you, pulling back to speak, cradling your face in my hands, almost afraid to ask the question on my lips} what...what did he do to finally break you Tory?

*tears coursing in scalding rivers down my cheeks, the answer to that question still a gaping, raw tear in my soul, the one thing that will never heal...I press my lips to yours again, stealing your strength, the caresses, touches, contact a necessity as I croak out* I...my...*strangled by the words, the memory a noose around my neck* it was...he was there...for my needing...and...We...I was...*shaking my head begging you not to make me say it...too much...too raw...so much pain...*

{the scent of your despair burning in my throat as you choke out the words, the trembling of your body mirroring that of your voice, tucking your head against my heavy beating heart, hand stroking down your back, tears of helpless frustration threatening the corners of my eyes, voice a low whisper} it's okay Tory... It's okay, true...

*shuddering as the violent sobs rip through me...having never spoken of it...the dam flowing wide open as I scream into your chest* he stole my young...HE STOLE HER!!!! *snarling through the body-wracking cries* because she wasn't a male...that's why I broke...that day, I died...

{Jolting under you as your muffled scream reverberates through me... the words sinking in slowly} wait... what? You have a daughter? Fuck! {Leaning you back to meet the questioning blaze in my eyes} you said he stole her... Does she live? Where? How old... When? {Blurting out semi-coherent questions as I grapple with the revelation}

*cringing under the onslaught of questions, my tears coming harder...wishing I could answer yes to them...head spinning with nausea rasping out* no...he...when he found...out...that she was female...he doubled his...torture...no young could survive that...*my palm coming to rest on your neck, sliding my fingers through your hair* he stole her life...warrior...

{Dropping my face into my palm as you speak, shaking my head in disbelief} JESUS... fuck... Oh God Tory... I'm so sorry nalla, true {feeling the hot wet of unfamiliar tears on my fingers as you bury your hand in my hair... somehow comforting me when you are the one deserving of it. Dropping my palm to your shoulder, turning my tear-streaked face back to yours, voice thick with conviction} you are the strongest, most courageous and beautiful person I have ever met {switching to the Old Language to murmur} you honour me in trusting your history to my ears, you are both a warrior and a female of immeasurable worth to me {resting my forehead to yours, breathing hitched}

*my trembling lips kiss the tears of sorrow from your face, your soul bleeding with mine, your words reverent as you rest your forehead to mine* don't be sorry...I wouldn't be here...if all that hadn't happened...I wouldn't be here with you...it happened for a reason, true? You are...the only person...*breathing through my tears, eyes closed as I stroke your hair from your face* I will ever trust...with that...

{Shaking my head, pain etched on my face} I would give anything... even sacrifice meeting you... if it would have spared you such unbearable suffering {palms rubbing your upper arms in slow strokes} I will take your secrets to the grave, true. {Releasing a pent up breath and kissing you long and hard and desperately}

*returning your kiss, the salt of our tears combined on my tongue, your body a soothing, calming embrace, protecting me from my memories*

{Sad smile} I'm glad you told me... I hoped you would trust me enough to tell me, true

*curved around you like living ink, cheek resting on your shoulder, murmuring* my biggest secret...everything I am is now yours...

{Growling softly into your hair} Mine! Tory, as I am yours... always